A Note On Depression

As some of you are aware, I've been battling with depression for years. Depression is something that wraps itself around me like a heavy woolen cloak and makes it extremely difficult to talk about or shake off, often because of the stigma involved with know that other people are aware that I'm fighting depression. There have been and still are a number of reasons for me to automatically choose to remain silent when it comes to how I feel, even with those closest to me. In the past it wasn't easy sharing with those I thought I could trust. The people who I thought would accept me, only to find that their behavior towards me changed drastically after I'd told them. It was like they were walking on eggshells when they were with me, afraid to set me off. Then there was the situation where they didn't want to leave me alone, for fear that I'd do "something" when everyone was out of the room. The questions are the worst. People, who care, but want to know the depth of it, how bad I'm suffering with it. So they ask and I find myself shutting down as I get asked the same questions time and time and time again, often from different fronts. It goes on until I just say "I'm fine," which, for me, translates into: "I don't want to talk about this with you anymore."

So many people struggle with depression and yet we never really seem to openly talk about it, save in hushed tones about someone we know know who is fighting it, or has fought it. For the lucky ones, it only happens once in their lives, but for others, it comes and goes. For me, its the latter. There have been several dark times in my adult life (roughly since I turned 18) and, with each time, depression was there, and with each time, I knew those around me didn't know how to handle my telling them I thought my depression was back. Often depression and suicidal thoughts are put together, but for me, this hasn't been the case. I've been depressed before, but I haven't been suicidal. I've never gone for medical help as I have a chronic mistrust for almost all medical personnel (due to a very negative experience as a child) and I don't want antidepressants to numb my mind, though I have found a few ways of coping and reducing its hold on me.

You are probably wondering what the photo of the coffee cup and the notebook have to do with this post... the notebook is my current journal (I'll probably have finished it by the end of today), and I write almost every day about what's happening in my life, often with a cup of coffee in hand. I'll turn to my journal, more readily, if the situation I'm in is stressful or causing me to mentally struggle. Its a safe place for me to vent, to get everything out of my head. I almost always have it with me in my bag. My current journal (pictured about) has only a few more pages left, and then I'll be moving back to using a Moleskine notebook, but more on this in another entry.

I must point out that there is a reason I have the word warrior tattooed onto my right forearm, and yes, there's a reason there's a semi-colon instead of an 'i'. On my 23rd birthday, I was in Paris, France, with my dear sister, Hannah, I spent the better part of 20 minutes under the tattooist's machine. It's a permanent reminder, that no matter how dark my world becomes, I am a fighter. I will keep going. In a way, I unknowingly brought my love for writing and the English language into the equation. The semi-colon is used by the writer at a place in a sentence where the full stop could be used, but the writer decides to add to it. For me, the semi-colon is a constant reminder that my life is not yet done. Above my warr;or is a mountain range, which I got done in Valencia, Spain in May 2017. Its is a reminder of Psalm 121:1-2 (NIV): "I lift my eyes to the mountains - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." God is my help, and He will hear me when I call.

A brief note: everyone deals with depression in a different way and how people treat these people because of it varies. All the views and experiences written in this post are my own. As of publication, I think I'm doing pretty well, but if things change and you think I might be fighting depression again, please don't treat me any differently than you normally would treat me. Don't ask pointed questions, just let me know you're there, that you support me and are praying for me, even if I don't tell you its hit me again.

#depression #tattoos #WARROR #journal #coffee #Psalm121 #Moutains